self magazine editor lucy danziger on “the nine rooms of happiness”

I tend to be wary of self-help books because so many of them seem to be filled with simple common sense and lots of blah blah blah. So when I received a copy of The Nine Rooms of Happiness, I started reading it only because it was written by Lucy Danziger (editor of SELF magazine) and Catherine Birndorf, M.D. (SELF‘s resident happiness expert), both of whom I greatly respect and admire.

I was hooked from the opening Edith Wharton quote — “I have sometimes thought that a woman’s nature is like a great house full of rooms: there is the hall, through which everyone passes in going in and out; the drawing-room, where one receives formal visits … and in the innermost room, the holy of holies, the soul sits alone and waits for a footstep that never comes.” — and don’t think I put the book down until I had read to the last sentence. Wow.

The Nine Rooms of Happiness belongs on every woman’s bookshelf as a reminder that happiness is within reach for all of us — it’s up to us to grab it. Of course, that’ easier said than done but Lucy and Catherine offer great, practical tips for getting your inner “house” in control and learning to be happy. Here’s what Lucy told me about her own personal struggles and what she and Catherine hope to accomplish with their book:

This is one of the most empowering books I’ve ever read, and I’m sharing it with all the women in my life. The quote, “We are architects of our own emotional destiny,” backed by the scientific research that “40% of your happiness is completely up to you” packs a pretty powerful punch and makes almost anything possible. Wow! What was your own reaction upon learning that?

Thank you so much. First of all, we are thrilled and flattered to know that you are benefiting from the book, and suggesting it to your friends. We love hearing that the book is helping women, and that the strategies are really useful — that was our intention. It’s a tool kit for your emotional well-being and we want women to feel like they can be the architects of their happiness. This book is here to help them, and apparently it’s working and that is so edifying. It’s why we wrote it and we are thrilled to hear it! 

Happiness seems to have become the big new area in psychology. When did you notice that and why did it take so long for us, as a society, to focus on it?

Happiness has been growing as a field, especially since the ‘90s when the granddaddy of the movement, Martin Seligman, first made us aware of the importance of “positive psychology” and wrote the book on how we as humans can seek to be happier and make happiness the goal. He literally started this movement, and challenged the psychology community to change their focus, to help people be happy rather than simply focus on the study of mental stress, anxiety or depression.

At SELF, we have covered Happiness for over five years and we love the fact that health and happiness are both covered as the yin and yang of a woman’s well-being. It’s not enough to be healthy or fit; you have to also be happy, or work on being happier. It’s the inner SELF that matters most.

Can you talk a little about how you came up with using the metaphor of a house to help women live happier lives? It’s such a brilliant idea because I think women find it much easier to deal with re-decorating their house – it has a much more positive connotation!

You can’t try to change everything at once and when Catherine and her patients talk about it, they try to segment things into areas that are areas to work on. In SELF, we say: small steps add up. So, in the book, we wanted to let women close the door on areas that they can work on later, and enjoy the good things and work on one “mess” at a time, and then move on. The fact is that even if most things are going well — work or romance or your hair looks great — if you hate your muffin top, it can bring down the whole emotional well-being. So we say: let’s work on the thing that’s bothering you most, the thing that bums you out when you should be feeling healthy and happy. That’s the room to start in. Maybe it’s the bathroom (scale, mirror, well-being) or maybe it’s the bedroom (intimacy and romance), but whatever it is, we can help and the strategies in the book are a great place to start. 

I’ve been reading SELF forever and think it stands out because of your focus on what goes on inside a woman, not just outside. In your nine years as editor in chief, what have been the biggest changes in the kinds of questions women write to you about? Are they what prompted you to write this book? And have you changed your approach to any part of the magazine since writing it?

We have focused much more on the inner woman, and being your best self from the inside out. I realized that for me, being a good person meant being happier and doing the right thing for myself and others. Then I would eat right, treat myself to the gym and make the time to be healthier. When I felt bad about myself and my actions, I would try to “soothe” myself with sugar and wine, and that was self-destructive. So, in the magazine, we tell women: feel good from the inside out, treat yourself well and make time for you. It will result in the body you want, but more importantly in the life you want. Isn’t that a great payoff? Healthy, happy and feeling and looking great: it’s what we call being “selfy,” and we want women to understand they can do this, and we are here to help.  

What was the most surprising thing you discovered in all your research?

That happiness is something we all have to work at, and if we do, we can move the needle by 40 percent. The set point theory tells us that there is a set point but that within the human range, we can all get happier. Once our basic needs are met, each of us can be happier and the more we work at it, like fitness or health, the more we can achieve. That was mind-blowing. Also it allows that some days will be less happy than others but we can look back and see the good times, like in a scrapbook, and edit out the bad ones. So, if we know we have that power in retrospect, why not live our lives that way? Hold on to the good and let go of the bad. It’s not worth keeping. Just delete the negative like you do a digital picture that didn’t turn out. Keep the positive. It makes for a happier day and life. 

This book is life-changing because it is so real and practical. The personal stories provide universal examples, and you have made it so easy for women to remind themselves, “Oh yeah, conflict is okay” or “We don’t complete each other. We overlap.” That is transformative. How did you come up with those pearls, which truly are pearls of wisdom?

Some of these are Catherine and my favorite ways of thinking, and others came from interviews and other women. I know that the circumstances of our lives are each individual and unique but the emotions we experience are universal. There are probably dozens more pearls worth sharing. In fact we are holding a Twitter contest this week to ask people to share their pearls and win a free signed copy of the book. Please let people know that pearls are to be shared. You can share a pearl at Ninerooms.com.  

I totally own A+B=C! I’ve been trying to tell my kids since they were little that they can’t change others; they can only change their own reaction or response. You make it so clear and simple with that equation — which I’m going to share with them, thank you. Which pearl resonates most strongly with you personally?

Some days it’s “Conflict is okay.” As in, “I can fight with my brother or disagree over something with a colleague and it’s not the end of the world.” Let it be, and move on. Other days it’s a more profound one, the final one: “It’s all in you!” As in, “YOU are the one to make it happen, to be the person who can and should make a difference.” Do it, or you may not have the opportunity again. “It’s all in you” is a kind of call to action. Seize the day. This is it. You can and will make wonderful things happen, if you are fearless.  

Which room has been the source of the biggest personal struggle for you?

The bathroom. For me, body image is a constant struggle. I still stress eat and still worry about the few pounds I gain in the winter, but I also tell myself to chill out and that I should be happy to be healthy. It’s a constant battle for me to like myself at every size and respect myself enough not to eat too many sweets. But I’m also getting there, since I know that I am in a better place than I was a few years ago. I also think the key for women as we age is not to focus on the wrinkles or the grey hair but on the wisdom and the freedom to be our true, authentic selves. We aren’t trying to impress anyone and that gives us the liberty to be true to our inner voice. I love that part about getting older: I am getting bolder and stronger and I own my power as a human being in a way that I didn’t before, when I was seeking approval. It feels great. 

I laughed out loud when you asked your daughter, “Is this going to be a couch moment later?” because, as the mother of an 18-year-old daughter, I can so relate! What is the most important way to start a teenage girl off with a “clean house” so she has less of a mess to deal with later on?

I think the most important thing is to live the way you want her to live, to lead by example. I don’t talk about feeling fat or being depressed. I tell her that what makes me happy is the work I do, to have purpose and meaning and integrity in all that I do. I tell her to try to find something she loves and do it well, and feel grateful for our blessings. I say that I love my work — that it’s a joy for me – though it does mean we don’t spend as much time together, and that I love her and spending more time with her wouldn’t necessarily make us love each other more. When I continue to explain why work is important to me, and she should find something she loves, she answers: “Duh, Mom!” but at least I know she is listening! 

I am a huge Edith Wharton fan, so the quote at the beginning of the book  blew me away. I looked up the story, The Fulness of Life, which is the source of the quote, and fell in love with Edith Wharton all over again. How did you find that story and how did you feel when you read it?  

It was kismet. We had finished the proposal and I read about a then-new biography of Edith Wharton and this quote was in it, so I couldn’t believe that we were thinking the way she was thinking. It made me realize we were really onto something, this house metaphor, and I called Catherine and said, “We have to lead the whole book with this. It’s so amazing. Like a gift from Edith Wharton to our generation.” I was thrilled and also realized it could be the whole reason for the epilogue, about how women have to stop searching for a soulmate and be the architect of their own destiny and create their own happiness, so that’s what it became. 

What have been women’s reactions to the book? I would bet you’ve received some amazing thank you’s! 

So far, women think it’s a helpful way to think. They’ve told us we are literally changing their lives. That’s exactly what we wanted, so we are so grateful to hear it’s working!