The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married is one of the hottest books out there right now, so we’re thrilled to share these tips from author Iris Krasnow on how to stay married forever. Krasnow interviewed more than 200 wives, and what she discovered is actually sort of comforting. Almost three quarters of her subjects admitted to regularly considering leaving their husband, and although you’re probably not going to live happily ever after all the time, you can still be happy. As old married women ourselves, this is a fascinating topic to us — and we’ll be sharing our own tips tomorrow! Meanwhile, let us know what you think, and you’ll be entered to win a copy of this provocative and sometimes shocking book.
1. It’s okay, even healthy, to have secrets. It’s your relationship, not anyone else’s, and there is no gold standard marriage. Everyone has issues, problems, and most importantly, their own secrets, so don’t worry that your marriage isn’t measuring up. No one knows what’s really going on in a marriage except the two people in it. That gives each of us the freedom to write our own rules and keep our own secrets.
2. You don’t get it all in one place. Staying married takes bold creativity, a variety of sideline adventures. If you depend on one person in one house to sustain you until death do you part that’s a ticket to divorce. A marriage that runs on multiple tracks makes for a happier wife who gets to have it both ways — a committed marriage and adventures in uncharted territory.
3. Resurrect childhood passions. Those hobbies and sports you loved to do, and excelled at, as a child bring raw primal energy and invigorated self-esteem. Take up surfing again, become a potter, get back on a horse, go back to school. Too often those hobbies of childhood get left behind as we sit on benches and watch our children race around playing fields and accrue academic kudos. Getting back out there yourself and re-engaging with the best of the old brings on a re-birth of youthful optimism and vigor.
4. Hang out with outrageous girlfriends. The wives with the highest marital satisfaction have a tight circle of wild and warm women friends with whom to drink, travel and vent. With women in their early 90s comprising the fastest growing segment of the aging population, and many marriages lasting more than 50 years, we’re going to need all the laughs and support we can get! Our girlfriends, ever-forgiving and always empathetic, provide the escape hatch from the inevitable storms and challenges that come with long marriages.
5. Take Separate Vacations – or Separate Summers. You like to camp and your husband likes to golf? Spend a month in the Adirondacks while he goes with his buddies to Scottsdale or better yet, Scotland. After some weeks apart from each other, removed from the grind of ordinary life, marriage seems way hotter than the tepid state in which you left each other in. Couples who allow each other to grow separately are the ones with the best chance of growing together and staying together.
6. Indulge in boy best friendships. Platonic friendships are a sexy pick-me-up without the complications of adultery. Women who love the company of men shouldn’t have to eliminate male friends from their lives; these extra-marital males who always think we’re smart and beautiful (because they don’t live with us) are actually a relief for any smart husband. Benign boyfriends that offer manly insights and advice mean less work for the man you are married to.
7. Lower your expectations. It’s a dangerous fantasy to think marriage really means happily-ever-after. Expecting perfection in a marriage or a mate is a fast ticket to divorce. This realization forces women in aging marriages to be urgent about creating their own purpose and passions outside of their relationships. Marital bliss is possible if each partner is blissful without the other.
8. Be grateful. In between wifely gallivants and self-exploration, remember to love the guy you’re with – kiss him hello and goodbye, and make time for conversation and intimacy, no matter how crammed your schedules are. Remember to thank the confident and flexible husband that allows you to have an independent and fulfilling life beyond your marriage. Don’t try to win every fight; give in, surrender and say “I’m sorry” (even if you’re not sorry one bit) instead of holding onto snarly anger that forms toxic wedges over time. Demonstrating ongoing vulnerability and compassion definitely makes spouses behave better. And the ability to bounce back from strife and arguments is the real secret that makes marriages last forever.
Thanks for sending this out – I couldn’t sleep because I am having marital problems & when I downloaded my e-mail this morning, I thought, “hmmm…. very uncanny timing”. My husband & I recently separated. Work stresses & years of developing the art of escalating arguments from mole hills to mountains without the proper skills to diffuse & resolve, coupled with anger management & displacement anger issues, have pretty much strangled our marriage. We tried couple’s counseling years ago but, sadly, the counselor wasn’t a good fit for us & we didn’t get any useable skills out of the experience. The marriage was 95 % amazing & 5 % disaster. We’ll be starting couple’s counseling again this weekend. I am a little bit optimistic that we can solve our problems. I only wish that we had addressed them years ago before we had developed ugly, destructive patterns that I am unsure now if we can break. Looking forward to reading your recommended book – maybe there’s still hope because there is still love for each other & a desire to try to work it out. To the author of this book, to your selves, & to the other ladies out there that are happily married, my utmost respect for achieving something that I wasn’t able to…
While I like most of the advice, I can’t agree completely with #6. It is risky to recommend male friends to a married woman or female friends for a married man. Things too often get out of hand. Better to have that lovely adulation from the opposite sex in a more structured setting, such as couple activities, school foundation boards, or at work. As a psychiatrist with long experience with people who fall into problems with members of the opposite sex, I know that the draw is too strong. The Talmud says: the appearance of impropriety is impropriety. Billy Crystal was right in When Harry Met Sally – men and women can’t be friends. On another note, I had a mentor who said he and his wife would divorce each other about three times per day, and that worked well to keep things in perspective – of course we get mad at each other, but we get through it and move on.
Josh Feder, MD
Just returned from a vacation where we encountered many newlyweds who asked us, a 30 yr. married couple, “what would you recommend to us to make our marriage last?” This book could offer a good list to start the conversation, although #4 and #5 are tough to do when the kids start arriving unless you have a lot of great family support to help! I also agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Feder’s articulate comments above, though, regarding idea #6……biology, pheromones, etc….are just plain natural and best intentions can easily become pushed aside for an “innocent” relationship to be derailed! The consequences aren’t worth the risk.
EVERY magazine and talk show should be featuring this book. True words!! We should be very concern about the “fantasy story” that the media (movies, books, etc) perpetuates about what “happily ever after” means. Happiness can and should be expected, but also the reality that it is human to not always get along or even like those we love. And, even more important is to teach that the ” I don’t like you very much right right now” is usually a very temporary phase. Just like it is with our children, parents and best friends…
Happily married for 28 years, I agree that treating your spouse with love every single day is essential for a long term marriage. Having same sex friends does work if her male friend is gay. We are together almost all the time since we work from our downtown home and are separate only for volunteer activities and outings with friends. Everyone has stresses in their lives but if you are committed to your “soul mate” then it is very possible to have a lifelong marriage that works.
This is a fascinating topic. I’ve been married for 30+ years. We have a disabled child, and the challenges have actually strengthened what was already a strong marriage. My husband is still my best friend.
Would love to read this and find out what we did right. Have had two successful mariages, with both spouses dying too soon.
As a divorced woman in a new committed relationship, I can absolutlely concur with these points. My first marriage was not what anyone would call great, and this new one? Awesome! We respect each other, we enjoy each other, and being apart once in awhile really fires things up when we’re back together. Love this!
I am so glad to be a subscriber to this blog–the universe seems to be speaking to me through your posts. Eleven years married, sixteen together, and it feels like everyone around us is going down in flames. It’s easy to be seduced by the idea of a different partner, but for me, there is something so much sexier about the constant and the longevity of what we have. Having had lots of long distance in our dating days, I enjoy the times we travel separately to recharge our personal batteries, and we do come back to something better, with renewed appreciation. I look forward to reading this book!
I think this book looks really interesting – being married for 14 years – there are certainly ups and downs and I would love to read about how 200 married couples managed to beat the odds and stay married for a long time.
I disagree wholeheartedly with one of the statements within #8.
If my wife isn’t “sorry one bit,” I surely don’t want her to lie and say she is.
I trust my wife to tell me what she’s really feeling. And she expects and deserves the same thing in return. If we disagree, we better find a way to come to terms with it openly. There is really no resolution when an apology isn’t sincere. The issue is still there. Though it may be small now, it can become malignant.
Apologies and forgiveness are a crucial part of any faithful, honest relationship and I wouldn’t want either to be offered insincerely.
Basically, in a relationship, I would much rather have honest dissonance than dishonest harmony.
I have been married for 29 years. Every marriage has its ups and downs, but I think the most important things for ours have been mutual respect, passion for our individual pursuits, solitary time, trust, and separate friends that we can hang with periodically. We always have each other’s backs, and we really enjoy being together.
My spouse respects my need for time with my women friends, and I respect his desire to have some guy-time. These things strengthen our marriage and mutual trust in one another.