Talking About Maternal Love with Katherine Anne Kindred, Author of "An Accidental Mother"

With almost half of marriages ending in divorce, it’s no surprise that the kids are often the ones who stand to lose the most. But what we never really considered until reading An Accidental Mother is the devastating loss experienced by everyone involved when a divorced parent enters into a serious relationship which doesn’t result in re-marriage but ultimately ends.

Katherine Anne Kindred became deeply attached to her boyfriend’s young son, Michael, and when the couple broke up, she was forbidden to see the child. She wrote An Accidental Mother as a love letter to Michael but it raises so many huge issues and makes for powerful reading. We learned a lot from talking to her, and hope she’ll update us WHEN — not if — she hears from Michael.

As a mother, I was really moved by your book. It raises so many important issues in this age of divorce, and shows that it’s the children who tend to get caught in the middle. Your quote that parenthood is “something like a cult – easier to get into than out of” pretty much says it all. What is the main message you want readers to take from your story? 

That parenting has very little to do with blood ties.  You don’t have to be a birth mother (or father) to love a child with your whole heart – or to be loved in return.  And loving a child, or becoming their parent, isn’t something that can just be shut off.

The book is such a love letter to young Michael, and I’m so happy that he’ll be able to read it at some point and see how deep your feelings are for him, especially since his father has forbid all contact between you. Was that one of your reasons for writing the book – so that eventually Michael would be able to hear your side of the story?

Yes – more than anything I want Michael to know I did not intentionally abandon him, and that I love him as much as any mother could love a child.  After we were denied contact, I just had a deep feeling that Michael and I would someday find each other again.  I decided to put all of the stories together for him so he could have a record of our time together, our bond, and the love I had for him.  It was only after I put it all together that I thought maybe I had a publishable manuscript.  Then I realized if I could get it published, it would be out in the universe for Michael to find, even if he couldn’t find me.

Being an “accidental” mother is such an impossible job for so many reasons. What did you learn from the experience? In hindsight, is there anything you would have done differently to try to change the outcome?

I spent most of my adult life being a “Monday-morning-quarterback” when it came to other people’s children.  I had so many strong opinions on parenting – what to do, what not to do.  But I had no idea parenting would be so challenging and complicated.  I gained a whole new level of respect and admiration for all parents, real or accidental – and teachers and daycare providers and nannies and anyone else that cares for children on a regular basis.  I realized that parenting is much harder than it looks.  I also came to understand the purity and beauty of the love that comes from a child.  Children love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.  They forgive you your faults, and they are so willing to express love and affection.

As far as changing the outcome, I would have pushed much harder to adopt Michael when Jim told me I could.

Do you think things would have been different if Jim had allowed you to adopt Michael as he originally said he would? 

Had I adopted Michael, I could have petitioned the courts for visitation after being denied access.

What were Michael’s feelings about his biological mother? He didn’t seem to talk much about her. 

I do not think Michael had any strong memories of her, as he was sent to live with Jim when he was only two years old.  It was rare that he spoke about her or asked questions about her.  

I love when you say, “No one will ever see all the effort a woman puts into make sure a child is ‘balanced,’ but everyone will notice how adorable the child looks if dressed up in designer clothes. And the part no one notices is much harder work.” All moms will appreciate that recognition. What were some of the other surprises you discovered as “an accidental mother?”

First and foremost, I discovered that children are expert manipulators – you have to be on your best game at all times.  They are like stealth predators, constantly searching for any weakness in your resolve – and I was such an easy target when it came to Michael!

Second, I learned that parenting is a fluid proposition.  Children are constantly growing and changing, coming and going through different stages, and that often those stages differ based on gender.  I discovered that your methods of parenting must grow and develop right along with the children and whatever age or stage they might be in.

What was Jim’s reaction to the fact that you wrote this book? Have you heard from him at all?

I have not heard from him, and I do not know if he is aware of the book.

What advice would you give other women going through similar situations? How do you think children can be protected from being pulled away from the “accidental mothers” – or “fathers” – who love them? 

The fact is that with the current rates of divorce and remarriage, most children will be raised by multiple parents throughout their childhoods.  The only way to protect them throughout the process is with a high level of selflessness on the parts of both parties. But even in the best of circumstances, that’s a tall order; the family courts are filled with couples that can’t come to an agreement regarding their children.

My advice to other women would be to have hard conversations early on about what might happen if the relationship were to end, yet keep in mind that promises are not always kept.  Marriage or adoption should provide greater legal rights, as both step-parents and adoptive parents can petition the courts for access.

Whatever you do, don’t let the challenges in your relationship stop you from loving the child with your whole heart.  My only regrets are that I didn’t leave more lipstick marks on Michael’s cheeks, that I didn’t tell him I loved him 100 times a day instead of 10.  Whatever sadness and pain came after, it was worth all the love I had for Michael – and the love I received in return.  

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I hope you and Michael will get to be together again soon. 

Thank you for reading my story, and thank you for your well wishes.  I hope with all hope that I will see Michael again someday!