Please go take a cooking class. I know you won’t do it, but see that nice flat stomach you have in the picture?
Years of always eating out will turn it into a muffin top (a much cuter name than it deserves, trust me) and result in your children asking what the food man is bringing for dinner every night when you live in Manhattan – a question that often makes people look at them funny. Yes, you have two amazing kids and you will spend 15 blissful years on the Upper East Side of New York but we’re not talking about that right now. Stay on point.
Take a good look at your hair, too, because years from now, you will have no idea what your original color was. Your constant futzing around with it means that you have to squeeze a couple of hours into your schedule every five or six weeks to avoid looking like you’ve given up on life.
Let’s talk about that Master’s Degree in Public Relations for a minute. Really? Is that necessary or is it just a good way to avoid a real job for another year and a half? You will hold three PR jobs before you acknowledge you have no interest in pitching stories. You will decide to become a writer because 1) it’s what you’ve wanted to do since you were 12 years old and won that writing contest in American Girl magazine and 2) you want to stay home with your dog. Yes, your dog.
The fact that you grew up with no pets other than a turtle and goldfish, and will end up madly loving, living with and catering to a Chow Chow for 11 years, and a Newfoundland for another 12 years, should offer a major lesson in being open to change and realizing you can’t control everything. (I hate to tell you, you still haven’t fully learned that lesson.)
One of the biggest changes: You will move to San Diego – don’t roll your eyes – and so will Mom and Dad, and so will Sheila and her family. Sure, you swore you’d never leave New York, who leaves New York, who would ever want to live in California, blah blah blah, but it turns out to be one of the best decisions you ever made.
And your complete disinterest in politics? Well, your Facebook friends (forget it, I can’t even begin to explain what Facebook is, but just know that everyone you’ve ever met in your life will be back in touch with you because of it, not to mention a couple of thousand other people) will laugh at that idea. Three decades from now, a group of ultra-conservative politicians will wage a war against women’s reproductive rights, and you will become a loud, active voice fighting back. You will win.
The area of your life in which you really win is love and family. You inexplicably knew you would marry Michael the minute you laid eyes on him last year, and you will be as in love with each other 33 years from now as you are today. Your son and daughter, adorable and so much fun as little kids, will grow into smart, compassionate, generous adults who are your proudest accomplishment – and people you genuinely love spending time with.
Really, the most important advice I can give you is to just say “thank you.”
So, no regrets. Don’t worry about your cooking, your hair, the degree you’re not using. They all brought you to where you are now. And that’s a pretty great place.
Love,
53-year-old Lois
P.S. I’m not sure if this is considered insider trading but if you really want to make a fortune, invest in Tampax because, 42 years after it first started, YOU WILL STILL HAVE YOUR FREAKING PERIOD!
I laughed out loud at your last piece of advice! I should have learned to cook too. I like muffins but not looking like one.
Julie, for me, the muffins are what caused the muffin top!
Love love love this.
Thank you, Madge! xo
Love it, Lois! Great abs, by the way. I don’t remember my 20 year-old abs being anything to write home about.
Thanks, Helene, but the abs have long since disappeared under many layers of clothes (and fat!). The Danskin days are long gone!
I loved this so hard! And loved the picture of your husband-did our guys all look like that in 1980???
Mary Anne, ha ha! My husband hasn’t seen this posted yet — I’m sure he’ll be thrilled I shared these stunning pictures from 1979 (I guess I’m older than you — I’m starting to feel older than everyone!!). Thanks so much for reading.
Love this whole thing! The hair, the flat belly the degree…all of it…so funny, so true and so part of who you became.
Excellent write and the tampons advice, yep. that’s insider trading!!
Thanks, Jo! Still having my period at 53 — is that not long enough already???!!
Oh, Lois, I nearly fell off my chair laughing. What a great writer you are, and so comfortable with yourself that you can dare to write a letter to your younger and maybe less wise self. I notice you didn’t tell your younger self that you would invent new uses for household appliances (i.e., dishwashers). Could have been the best invention for New Yorkers since home delivery…just sayin’…Your most profoundly universal comment, I thought, was about no regrets– because it all brought you to where you are today. I couldn’t agree more! xoxo Sally
Sally, see, that dishwasher idea was so good that I can’t regret not cooking — maybe you can design it and we can have a whole new business! Thank you and love you, my friend. xo
All such good advice – and you and your husband were adorable! Having gone to college in San Diego just 3 years after moving to LA from NY, I can completely understand how you felt about that. But like you said, it all brought you here!
Thanks, Sharon! That cross-country move is wild, isn’t it? But I’m so glad I’m here!
This is fantastic, loved every word!
Thanks so much, Jane!
So your kids waited for the “food man” every night? Hysterical! I can relate to not liking the move from NYC to Cali. I did it when I was not quite that young, but it was hard nevertheless. Love that you have no major warnings for the younger you. Lucky girl!
Mindy, we will have to discuss our bi-coastal moves. The hardest thing about moving to San Diego was there was no food man here!! And, yes, I feel very blessed, thank you.
Adorable…if only we knew then, what we know now….it is a journey.
The process is all worthwhile with many bumps and slippery slopes along the way.
Ah, to be 20 again!
Thanks, Gayle! It is definitely a journey! I don’t know if I would want to go back and be 20 again, but I would definitely like to have that stomach again!
What a great read. We have never met, but for whatever reason, I feel as if we are friends. Our lives have been quite different, but we both met our future husbands when young (I was younger, 14!) and knew we would spend our lives with them, we both have great, smart, enjoyable kids, we both are still in love with, and really like our mates after decades together, and we both fought hard in this election to wake women up to the potential of giving the White House to the crazies. (can I say that? 🙂 ) Oh, and we both went well into our 50s getting our freaking periods. I finally said goodbye to mine last year at 55, but I will share that I still have PMS but I don’t get the relief usually associated with the period part. So I miss it. But I don’t miss buying tampons. Does any one else notice how expensive they are?
To my 20 year old self? I was already married with 2 kids, we had just bought the house we still live in, and we were perpetually $300 down in our checking account, so I suppose I would say that I shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. Everything will be okay.
…and I missed a comma between “like” and our “mates”. And that will drive me crazy, and I suspect it would also drive you crazy!
Oh, Pamela, I feel very close to you and look forward to becoming “real” friends when we finally meet! I totally believe in not sweating the small stuff, although of course that’s easier said than done. I can’t believe you met your husband at 14 — wow! Can’t wait to get to know you, and hope we will have the chance to work on something else together. xo
This 25-year-old, avowed lifelong New Yorker who works in PR, eats out a lot and has flat abs loved reading this. Are you sure we’re not in some “Looper” situation?
OMG Danielle, I am crying laughing!! Heed my advice — or don’t! Your life will be amazing either way, and I’d love to hear more about it!
OMG Lois – I so remember those days. This article was fantastic.
Rae, you were a big, important part of those days and a big, important part of these days now! Thank you, and love you!
So funny. I especially loved the advice about the Tampons.
Thanks, Janie, and seriously — how much money must I have spent over 42 years??!
Lois – OMG – I SO remember those days!! This was fantastic and such a joy to read. You have such a flair with words. I loved this!! And you!
Spot on. Ode to our once-flat tummies; those were the days. Well written.
Thank you, Vicky. Oh, the flat tummy days …
you are the new Erma Bombeck!! What a great way to start my day. A fun read, Lois. Thank you for sharing all of your self! :0)
You are so sweet, Sheryl, thanks! xo
Great post! Learning to cook a lot sooner would have been great advice to myself at 20, too, for the same reason. Fun to read about all the unexpected turns your life took — especially since they turned out well!
Thanks, Joy! I still haven’t learned to cook!
what a great concept. Imagine if we knew “then” what we know now? I never have slept on orange juice cans to straighten my naturally curly hair. I would have had sex with my high school boyfriend, understanding that pleasure was a GOOD thing, guilt was the bad thing. I would have gotten a tutor for the math classes my architectural program required, instead of changing my major to something easier. I would have let my parents live their own screwed up lives and not taken on the responsibility of making them happy. Hindsight is invaluable…that being said, my life is amazing and I am grateful everyday.
Kristine, laughing at the orange juice cans — ouch! I do believe everything turns out for the best — and I bet your high school boyfriend would love to hear you wish you had had sex with him!!
What a sweet, sweet letter, Lois…and what a little cutie you were at 20!
Thank you so much, Tricia! And I definitely wish parts of me were as little as they were then!
I don’t know 20 yr old Lois- I remember 14 yr old Lois very into cooking– that is baking chocolate chip cookies lol! Very well written- and a great reminder to all of us– how far we’ve come and the lessons we’ve learned along the way…<3
Thanks, Melinda! Those baking days apparently didn’t last very long! I wonder why that appealed to me at 14 — and then never again?! xo
Love your honesty and humor, Lois. What a good life you have!
Thanks, Jessica. I am so grateful for everything I have and all the amazing people in my life — and you are definitely one of them! xo
I always love to read what you write and what you have to say! I disagree with muffin tops coming from take out. I love to cook and my muffin top is a result of opening a bottle of wine to get ready to cook, sampling everything while I am cooking and then sitting down to a meal. My best friend ( skinny bitch ) says I have eaten 2 meals before I even start my dinner. Being Jewish I cook for 10 when we now only 3 at home, and portion sizes are generous! You have a blessed life, which you deserve! I must admit that my letter to my 20 year old self would have been a lot harsher and I wish I could go back and take my advice. Keep on writing, gal!!!
Thanks, Audrey, for taking away my anti-cooking guilt, and for the nice words. They mean a lot to me. xo
Your 20 year old self would be very proud of you! As you are of her! And that Michael is a hottie! That is my 20 year old self speaking!
Audrey, thank you so much — from both me and Michael!! Ha ha! He will so appreciate your comment!
Loved reading this!
Thanks so much, Priscilla! xo
I wish I would have taken a cooking class too. And used more sunscreen. A delightful letter!
Thanks, Carpool Goddess (love that name)! I’m as good at using sunscreen as I am bad at cooking — I guess it’s better that way than reversed!
Lois:
Love your writing style and your perspective! Keep on keeping on! And you’re right, there’s no way to lose weight if you don’t fix your own food.
Laura Lee
Laura Lee, thank you! Unfortunately, I’m still not cooking …
What a fabulous way to look back at your life and realize how far you have come! I have a HUGE smile on my face and loved reading it! Thanks!
Thanks, Vicky! I really appreciate your words!
This post is fabulous, I may have to steal your idea someday! Looking back and recognizing that regardless of our choices we eventually end up somewhere is one of life’s lessons that can only be taught by living. Thanks.
Thanks, Stacy. Would love to read yours if you write it! xo
The investments I should have made! Oh well.
I love how you end this with such kindness and gentleness towards yourself. Yeah, it would be nice to still have those flat tummies, but the babies those tummies carried are worth the price we’ve paid.
And fighting for (and winning) the battle for women’s reproductive rights is a huge victory. I think some people are so enamored of a “good old days” that never really did exist.
Thanks, Chloe. Would like to blame the kids for my no-longer flat tummy but I think the blame has to go to Sprinkles …
I’m fascinated with what took you from the upper Eastside to San Diego–and why it was so successful.
Jane, we came out here because my husband was offered a great job opportunity which we had turned down previously. We finally decided to go for it, and I’m so happy we did! Shockingly, I think it would be hard to move back to NY now!
Too true and funny! The investments only if and then even held on to!
Such a sweet post!
What you say about politics is particularly interesting to me. At 20, though I was in the thick of feminist times and was certainly “for” all possible freedoms / choices / career, I wasn’t politically inclined. I would say the same for my 30s. That began to change in my 40s, as I began to realize that what is political pervades everything in our lives. By 50? Even more understanding of that fact and certainly true for so many of us in this past year.
Little would we have guessed, right?