I always enjoyed watching relationship expert, Dr. Pepper Schwartz, whenever she was a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show, because she was so real and direct, and it was very easy to relate to her. She has written about so many aspects of sex, love and intimacy that there is literally something for everyone to learn from. In her latest book, Prime: Adventures and Advice on Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years, she puts her money where her mouth is and shares her personal experiences re-entering the singles market after being married for 23 years.
As someone who has been married exactly as long as Kay and Arnold, I was glad to finally see a movie that focuses on the issues that can arise in long-term marriages. I don’t think that subject has been seriously addressed by Hollywood before, and I’m hoping, with the baby boomers approaching that stage of life, it will become the subject of more movies. How realistic do you think Hope Springs is, and what effect do you think it will have on viewers’ sex lives?
I think Hope Springs is extremely realistic and I think it will be hard for couples who have that problem to watch. In fact, I was talking just yesterday to a friend who has been in a sexless, but actually loving, relationship for ten years who said she just couldn’t bear to go see it. So there’s the rub. It would be inspiring and useful for couples who have not broached this problem in a long time, but they may, for that very reason, avoid seeing it. I think if they do see the movie, it might motivate them to be more optimistic about changing the situation and make it more likely they would go into therapy together.
I love that the subtitle of your book refers to the over-50 stage of life as “the sensual years.” Can you talk a little about that?
I think that people are still passionate and sexy into and after middle age but sex for older people is less about gymnastics and more about intimacy, foreplay — I hate that word but oh well — and pleasure versus orgasms. Not that orgasms aren’t still important, mind you, but there is also the knowledge that some anatomical equipment may not function as well, or that physical issues may make some sexual sessions more about enjoying the ride than reaching a specific goal.
Why did you decide to write Prime as a memoir rather than as a guide?
Great question. I have written a lot of books — at the moment, I am hovering between 17 and 18, since one is not quite finished — and none of them have been personal. But I really felt that in order to reach middle-aged and older women, I had to share my personal story rather than take the third person equanimity of a professional. I have met too many women my age and older who basically write off their sexuality and say it’s not necessary after menopause or say it’s too painful to try and create a new romantic relationship or fix an old one. I don’t know how to convince them that passion is still possible and love is still essential with just another expert opinion. So when my editor suggested I do a memoir about dating after 55, my first reaction was “Never” and my second was that this would be the most powerful way to show that while dating was not a piece of cake, it could still get you to love and commitment and passion. Yes, you would have to allow yourself to be vulnerable again and put in the time and work it takes to find the person you are looking for, but the results would eventually be worth the awkward moments, disappointments or rejections you had along the way.
How does a couple’s sex life evolve over the course of a marriage and what is the secret to keeping it satisfying?
If a couple is not very careful, their sex life goes on automatic pilot and becomes boring or infrequent or both. They start out strong, have kids, lose their identity as lovers and become “mom” and “dad.” Sex becomes a hurried affair after 11 p.m. right before they fall dead asleep. The secret to keeping it satisfying is not so secret: really focus on each other, take private couple time away from your children, have dates, continue to woo and surprise each other occasionally. Go on romantic getaways, dress up and try to look good for each other. Couples who do these things are still cuddling and holding hands in their 90s and certainly having sex through their 80s.
What is the biggest misconception about “older” sex?
The biggest misconception is that “older sex” isn’t really important anymore, that a good relationship can be just fine without it. Usually at least one and maybe both partners in that situation are unhappy, not particularly affectionate, and wondering what happened to their feelings of joy and vitality. Couples who are still sexually active still have a bounce in their step and a sexuality about them that is apparent, no matter what age they are. Furthermore, while the idea of “older sex” may be disconcerting to younger people, there is no evidence that younger people “do it” better. Older people learn each other’s bodies very well, and may be more relaxed and attentive to one another. Older sex is not a residual or secondary category; that is a common misconception I try very hard to dissolve.
How do men and women’s needs/desires differ as they age? How can couples overcome those differences together?
Men get more cuddly, women stay cuddly but generally are a lot more relaxed about receiving sexual pleasure than they used to be. Of course, men’s erections become less reliable, less hard and they may need erectile dysfunction drugs like Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis, or other tools, in order to be able to have intercourse. Women will generally have less lubrication and they may need longer term vaginal moisturizers that plump up vaginal tissues, like Replens, or lubrications like Pink, Eros or other brands so that intercourse is not painful. Couples need to be honest about what their physical issues or limitations are so that they can use all these wonderful scientific inventions to make intercourse easier and more pleasurable. It may also be that one partner’s desire for sex fades more than another’s and then the partner with less desire (usually a woman, but not always) has to be considerate of their partner’s greater needs and try to step up their own availability a bit more than they would naturally. If you love your partner, you want to make them happy and what I see happen is that when a partner “gifts” a sexual evening to the person who is more in the mood, they usually get in the mood too!
From personal experience and from talking to my friends, it seems to me that a woman’s sex drive at this age often has more to do with how she feels about herself than about her partner. When we’re happy with our bodies and feeling self-confident, we’re more likely to want to have sex. What does that say about us?!
Women have been so traumatized about their bodies that when they are overweight or their breasts are no longer as “perky” as they were when they were younger, they often retreat from sex because they are embarrassed to be nude, even embarrassed to be touched. Men can also have these feelings, but they are not as common or severe unless the man is grossly overweight or impotent. I think feeling good about your body is one of the biggest explanations of why people do or do not continue to have sex and enjoy sex- or withdraw from it. People who exercise and who are athletic are generally — although definitely not always — more into sex, even if they are overweight. Yoga, Pilates, walking, running, weight training — all of these activities make a person feel physically more confident, and that helps them feel comfortable about sexual activity as well.
What does the success of 50 Shades of Grey say about the sex drive of women over 50? Can you share your thoughts about the book and its impact?
The book is about people in their twenties so it doesn’t really say much about the sex drive of women over 50 — and yet women over 50 are reading it because they are getting a sexual charge out of it. I think women of all ages like erotic material as long as it has a relationship context and this one certainly does. Women also are thrilled with the edgy aspects of the bondage and even the spanking, but it’s not clear they would really like either for themselves. They are certainly held by the passion the two main characters have for one another. The impact is that people are talking about sex and passion, and that’s always a good thing!!
What’s the most important thing women should know about sex as they grow older?
That they can have a passionate and fulfilling sex life as long as they work at it, communicate their needs, use whatever medical and other products their body needs and don’t file sex away to grow dusty and, ultimately, forgotten.
Hope Springs is now available on DVD. You can read Lois’ take on the movie here.
One thing the article doesn’t mention is that women, like men, develop circulatory issues. I am 54. All of my women friends report the same: the clitoris is as unreliable as the penis at this age. Orgasms are there, even frequent, but the earth-shakings one are rarer. My gynecologist confirmed this.
First of all I want to tell you how refreshing and well written your
newsletter is to all of us who have the chance to read it.
Would you address the issue of couples who have been married 40 plus years. The husband has had quadruple open heart surgery and has been told that he cannot take ED drugs because of the adverse affects on heart patients. What can and should he do to pleasure his wife and himself? Many of these couples build very strong relationships without sex, but they often miss the intimacy.
Thank you,
“Southern California Wife of man with heart condition”