Yesterday, two of my favorite female writers, Amy Ferris and Hollye Dexter, published an anthology that just may become a life preserver for those struggling to get past the events that have shamed them.
Dancing at the Shame Prom: Sharing the Stories That Kept Us Small is a collection of confessions from 27 amazing women who courageously exorcise their demons by making public the very personal embarrassments and humiliations they’ve spent years trying to hide. There are secrets involving body image, infidelity and posing nude, and admissions of abuse, abandonment and alcoholism.
Amy and Hollye came up with the idea for the book after a year-long conversation about their own self-imposed limitations which, they had concluded, were rooted in shame. “One day we just decided to expose our shame and see what happened,” recalls Hollye. “We joked about being Thelma and Louise, holding hands and jumping off the cliff together.”
They both blogged about their shame on the same day, and were overwhelmed with private messages and emails from women sharing their own stories. “We knew then,” says Hollye, “that everyone was suffering with a story they felt they could never tell. We thought, ‘What if we all held hands and did this together?’”
The two friends put out a call to the women in their lives, asking if they would be willing to share a story they kept hidden away – something they were ashamed of. “The response was extraordinary,” remembers Amy. “Each individual essay is unique – which is nothing short of miraculous – and each one sheds a light on both the pain, sorrow and cruelty within human beings as well as their absolute pure beauty, kindness and magic.”
Because, according to Amy, the goal was for the book to be “a collective victory for each and every one of us,” it was important to have a title that reflected that feeling of empowerment.
“One day Amy said, off the cuff, ‘I feel like I’m at the shame prom,’ and contributor Monica Holloway jumped on that,” explains Hollye. “When we saw that some people had a negative reaction to the word ‘shame,’ we added the ‘dancing’ part’ because we wanted readers to know we were celebrating – not sitting around, crying in our beers!”
Releasing their secrets has been liberating for the contributors. According to Kristine van Raden, who, along with her daughter, Kate, wrote dual essays about Kate’s eating disorder, “When we pushed ‘send’ and knew our collective pieces were released into the world for everyone to see, we danced! We danced, we hugged, we cried and remarked over and over that even one year ago, neither of us could have imagined such a thing. We are proud of ourselves and of each other, and hope that maybe, just maybe, we can provide some hope for others who are suffering.”
Amy Wise agrees. “When I was asked to be part of this amazing book, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to share my ‘shame,’” she admits. “In fact, I didn’t think I would ever be ready. I finally chose to write my story because we have always raised our daughter to be open and honest about everything – the good and the bad – but I wasn’t being totally honest with anyone because I continued to keep something hidden. I was carrying the shame of an abortion from many, many years ago. When I finally shared my secret, the burden was lifted, the honesty was freeing and the shame was gone. I hope my story shows others that even though this is one of the most difficult and personal decisions a woman can ever make, they are not alone and they have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Ever.”
At the end of every essay, the author shares what she hopes readers will take away from her story. This support makes Dancing at the Shame Prom even more personal and valuable. If readers don’t take to heart the important messages being sent here, well, that would be the real shame.
Read Amy Ferris’ post, Assisted Loving, her post about San Miguel here and my post about her here.
Read Amy Wise’s post about why her husband won’t be seeing The Help, and my post about her book Believe in Yourself, Inspire Others, Spread Joy.
What a fabulous idea and mission. Congratulations for creating this anthology.
Jessica
I really want to read this. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how important it is for a writer to show something in their characters’ pasts that they are ashamed of. It’s a perfect way to help the reader sympathize and also to add characterization. What we are ashamed of says so much about who we are.
This is terrific. Been thinking about secrets, shame, sweeping from under the carpet, and ultimately forgiving personal missteps, forgiving others, family, church, country, to move forward. Truth dispels darkness. Love this courageous collaboration. Bravo!
Surely, you are already planning a sequel! A really good therapist told me once, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” Our family had so many secrets that it took the elephant in the room to stand on all of them. Reliving and releasing those secrets, sending SHAME, on its way is the most powerful thing we can do. Thank you SO MUCH for showing us how much we need each other as beacons and as mirrors to see our own light.
Can’t wait to read this!!! I LOVE this idea. I have thought about what we keep hidden and what we show, and how personally it shifts depending on who I speak with. Some people know most of my secrets – those little stories that still can make me cringe, and forces me to let go. Yesterday in physical therapy, they gave me a new exercise which I was doing until I looked in the gym mirror and saw my sweatpants had moved halfway down my hips to reveal my big tummy and torn granny pants – in the middle of the gym. Good times :). ahhhh…that felt good.
Oh such a timely topic in my own life, thank you. My own story that I kept locked up and hidden for 35+ years (since my trauma “stole” my childhood memories I can’t say exactly when it all started) and I finally shared last year at 42. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my grandfather. My shame continued when I still kept quiet as a teenager when my sister bravely came forward. That shame was my life. I’m a mother of a two wonderful children, my son 16 & my daughter, 12. It took the triggers of my beautiful daughter becoming a women and all my irrational fears for me to finally to get help. It has been quite a journey and I’m making friends with shame & vulnerability.
I can’t wait to read this book and experience the collective power of letting go these feelings that bind us.
Beautiful, brave ladies!
I love reading all your feedback. You fill my heart with hope, and you all are exactly the reason Amy Ferris and I made this book happen. You have no idea what it means to us to know that your hearts have been touched. Feel free to share your own shame stories with us (you can do so anonymously) on our website theshameprom.com
Go ahead- get it off your chest!
Shamelessly yours….
oh my god. wow. wow – what amazing courage & beauty & power in these responses! thank you all. hollye & i (and all the authors/contributors) want all women – from all walks of life – to know that none of us are alone in our shame. By sharing our stories – our lives – we truly, deeply transform all that shame and pain into courage, and hope, and … as deborah henry said (so beautifully, i might add): forgiving personal missteps!
here’s to always sharing our lives & stories so all women stand tall.
all my love!
This sounds like a really important book, both for the women who wrote it and the women who will be empowered by reading it. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve been wanting to read this book! I am a firm believer in the power of writing/ shaping our stories and sharing those stories as such an important part of healing. I usually write about grief (my mother died when I was 13) but shame– Shame is such a destructive thing and I think hits women (especially) in so many subtle ways that it is insidious.
I look forward to reading this book. I did work with my therapist regarding “Shame” years ago. Being an adult child of an alcoholic, I had lots of it. One thing I learned is that the shame we carry is not always our doing, but circumstances that have happened to us. I feel we all need to be more gentle with ourselves. So many folks are hurting children on the inside.
Thoroughly liberating idea for a book! Looking forward to reading it.